the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
