I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
