It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
