you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm bleeding and have questions
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
