he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Every concussion has its silver lining
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
