new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
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I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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