I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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