Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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