you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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