he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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