i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
