Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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