This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
