so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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