I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
