I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
