I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
