I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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