I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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