The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
