he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My penis needs a shock collar
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
