I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
