if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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