like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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