just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
