College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
