tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
