New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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