found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
