hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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