My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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