my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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