just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
