i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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