1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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