I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
