If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
