Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
