It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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