Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
