Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The adults are the big ones right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
