dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
