So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
