I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
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Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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