Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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