I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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