Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
