I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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