i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I still have a little drunk in my system
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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