when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
