Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
