Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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