Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
