you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
