I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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