You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
