I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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