foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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